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     Like all emotions, anger is an amoral feeling. In itself it is neither good nor bad. It is what it is – a God given emotion, a feeling. Typically, it is symptomatic of other underlying emotions such as frustration, anxiety, resentment, feelings of abandonment, hurt, rejection and loneliness, to mention a few. In some cases anger can originate from trauma and or a resulting sense of shame or guilt. Anger may be caused by repressed emotions, faulty belief systems or distorted thinking. Regardless of anger’s origin or cause, it is amoral. What gets all of us into occasional trouble is how we express our anger – positively or negatively; righteously or destructively. In other words, it is not the emotion that is problematic. It is our behavior while angry that is in question. And since our personal conduct is a product of our own decisions we and we alone are responsible for what we believe, think, say and do while angry.

     Since we all get angry it is easy to understand that many of us have anger issues of one sort or another. Some of us admit to it and deal with it the best we know how. Others deny anger’s very existence and by doing so deny their personal responsibility for its consequences. The Scriptures plainly tells us ‘be ye angry, but sin not’ (Eph. 4.19). Is that really possible? Yes. Christ himself demonstrated righteous indignation in the temple when he caught the moneychangers cheating people (Mark 11.15). Again in Mark 10:14 Jesus was highly annoyed with the disciples for not allowing the people to bring their children to Him to be blessed. Anger that is escalated is known as wrath, which “is [a] burning anger accompanied by a desire to avenge.” Wrath often moves from the emotions of anger to the outward expression of anger. In Romans 1:18-20, God expresses His wrath as divine judgment upon those who commit willful sin.”[1] Willful wrong by others can stir up righteous anger within us too. But how many of us can claim that our anger is usually a ‘righteous anger’ that serves to motivate us to right a particular wrong? Admittedly, many of us struggle with the unwise expression of this common emotion. So, when angry – what do we do with it? Do we respond to provocations or do we react to them? What can we do to respond appropriately?

     When teaching anger management and batterer’s intervention classes at a counseling center in Fort Worth, I use among other things, Newton Hightower’s material Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men & the Women Who Love Them.[2] It is an excellent resource which has helped me to identify anger issues not only in my clients, but more so in myself. Hightower, a self-proclaimed recovering rageaholic, writes briefly concerning the negative ABCs – that is anger, blame and criticism. All three are destructive and unnecessary. Eventually they will result in a cycle of bitterness and broken relationships. The new ABCs he purports is abstain, believe, and communicate. Because of the brevity of space I will merely highlight the essentials, beginning with ‘abstain’. The author first suggests that while angry we ought to abstain from certain behaviors.[3] First, he says to stop speaking; shut up. Keep your thoughts and words to yourself for the time being. When angry we have a tendency to say things we later regret. If staying quiet does not serve to deescalate the situation (with another person), the next step is to ‘stop staying’ – in other words, leave the area – take a time out before it’s too late. Come back later and discuss the situation when things cool down and those involved, including oneself, are more objective and receptive. Next, stop staring. The death ray only serves to inflame or intimidate others. Abstain from interrupting when others are attempting to express themselves. No matter what, don’t interrupt. Refrain from using profanity and cursing. Coarse language is disrespectful, rude, foul and usually belittling – as is name calling. When we speak with those whom we disagree while calling them insulting and profane names, using degrading adjectives to describe them, their behaviors, ideas or feelings, it results in considerable emotional turmoil and alienation that is nearly impossible to recover from. Regular use of profanity normally indicates ignorance of proper linguistics. Yelling, barking in a drill sergeant tone of voice, being sarcastic, threatening or pointing one’s finger at another person must be avoided. These behaviors are not conducive to getting one’s point across successfully. When angry we should not throw things, slam/kick doors, or punch walls. Stop sighing or rolling the eyes when being spoken to; stop all non-affectionate touching. For you men – feel free to stop lecturing your spouse as if she were a brain-dead moron. She can’t be that absent minded – after all, she married you didn’t she? As for the wives, criticism and unsolicited advice and comparison to other men are demoralizing communication killers. Men tend to be much more insecure about them selves than they let on. Lastly, stop driving stupid. Aggressive driving is a relatively accurate indicator of ongoing anger. If you disagree, try driving courteously in a major city during rush hour. If you can control your tendency to drive aggressively or competitively you are probably able to abstain from the above behaviors. Above all else, remember that each of us is responsible for our own behaviors regardless of any outside provocations.

     Hightower’s second recommendation is to believe and practice certain principles. I will list them here without explanation since there are so many of them. (Feel free to read the book.) At face value a few of them seem a bit off the wall – but a closer look reveals the hidden wisdom of what he advocates. Practice self-restraint – don’t always have to express yourself in the heat of the moment. Your turn will come. Practice kindness – not revenge; graciousness – not criticism; self examination – not blame; empathy – not indifference; practice surrendering – not domination; service to others – not selfishness; self discipline – not demanding one’s own way; patience – not impulsiveness; forgiveness – not punishment; cooperative – not winning at all costs; practice being wrong – not always having to be ‘right’; humility – not self righteousness; compassion – not anger; understanding of others – not offering your own rationale; balanced living – not enslaved to a career, ministry or hobby; practice persistence in achieving a life without chronic anger – not excusing one’s anger with alibis.

     The ‘C’ is for communication. To rid ourselves of undesirable anger we need to communicate effectively with ourselves (self talk) and with others and do with intention. I define ‘communicate’ or ‘communication’ as the accurate transfering of meaning between two people regardless of how the transfer takes place. Is the idea I am conveying being recieved and understood as I intended it to be?  That implies taking responsibility for what we say to ourselves and to others, and how we say it. Are we purposefully practicing the A and B aspects of anger control as stated above? Or do we choose to alibi and place blame by holding others responsible for our words and actions? One of the most challenging aspects of working with angry clients is getting them to understand that they and they alone are responsible for their own behavior – regardless of the provocation. It takes a person of integrity to acknowledge one’s level of responsibility. It takes a person with character to make necessary changes to correct one’s liabilities.   

     Hightower’s work has had huge influence in my life and practice. His practical suggestions continue to benefit all those who incorporate the commonsense ideas into their personal paradigm. Those of us who continue to deal with the anger within can take heart – there is hope of a better way. But hope without personal action and commitment isn’t really hope – it’s just a wistful dream.

     There is so much more that could be written on this subject. However, this short essay should be enough for each of us to stop and evaluate ourselves regarding our use and expression of anger. Is our use of anger godly and productive? Or is it destructive and therefore sinful? Do we use anger as a tool to control others? If self-evaluation is difficult for you, ask your spouse and kids to help! Be prepared to learn the unbiased truth.

If you have difficulty managing anger or any other emotion, feel free to reach out to us. We would be happy to help.

Homestead Hope offers help today so you can have hope for tomorrow.

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[1] June Hunt, Anger: Learning to Act Rather Than React, Biblical Counseling Keys

[2] N. Hightower; Bayou Publishing, Houston, 2002

[3] Ibid., p 68